A Lesson in Improper Etiquette
January 19, 2025 Second Sunday after Epiphany
Ladue Chapel Presbyterian Church
John 2:1-11
“A Lesson in Improper Etiquette”
Douglas T. King
No less an authority than The Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette as Revised and Expanded by Letitia Baldridge, provides one hundred and twenty seven pages
of instruction regarding weddings and their receptions. There are dozens of references of when, where, and how guests and members of the wedding party may engage in the consumption of beverages. For instance, we are reminded, “It is nice for friends to slip glasses of champagne to the attendants and the bride and groom, providing there is a table or window sill behind them to hide their glasses. No one is supposed to be seen drinking in the reception line, except an occasional sip. Guests are not supposed to go through the line either with a glass in their hands.” Unfortunately, there is no comment about how to appropriately handle the surprise arrival of an extra one hundred and eighty gallons of fine wine halfway through the festivities. I suppose one hundred and twenty-seven pages of wedding etiquette only lets you deal with the broadest of contingencies and contexts.
All gentle ribbing aside, etiquette does play a very important function in our life as social beings. When there is a shared etiquette in a social group, individuals have a guide as to what is appropriate behavior in a variety of situations. The creation of these shared expectations provides us with a comfort level in our interactions which serves to enhance our enjoyment. As dear Letitia puts it in her preface, “Having good manners
gives one a feeling of security in dealing with people.” And the book does try to provide one with a feeling of security in any and all contexts possible in this lifefrom “visiting a naval vessel,” to “business entertaining” or “an audience with the Pope.”
It sounds like a great deal. Keep the book in your hip pocket and you will never be confused about what to do or how to act in this world. On the other hand, this other book of ours, the Bible, leaves us in a different place. Some would like to suggest that the Bible functions as a book of etiquette, providing us with a clear set of guidelines for our lives in all times and all places. I, on the other hand, find that it functions to confound me
more than enlighten me on more occasions than I am comfortable admitting. I am right there with the chief steward trying to figure out from where the wine is coming and what the heck is going on. I believe the problem is that although books of etiquette offer advice on a vast array of social interaction with others, their list does not include interactions with the Other, God. God will not be adequately dealt with by a twenty percent tipping chart
or a firm handshake with each introduction. And this story does not help matters. Creating one hundred and eighty gallons of fine wine is a great party trick but as the first act of Jesus’ ministry in the gospel of John it is not the most straight forward approach. If he had fed the hungry or healed the sick or brilliantly opened-up the scriptures that all may grasp their wisdom, something like that might make a bit more sense to us. Extra wine at a party?
Perhaps the closing line of this text is telling. “His disciples believed in him.” At first glance a rather perfunctory comment. But what I do not read in that line is, they understood him. I do not read that they knew about the chaos that was to come as they journeyed with Jesus. The very next thing Jesus did was overturn the tables of the moneychangers in the temple.
Surely a miracle of healing or feeding could have brought on the same initial belief. Surely the wedding reception would have survived with a few less glasses of wine around the table. But this improbably, absurdly generous act does provide the disciples and us with insight into our God who is improbably and absurdly generous. We, like the disciples, are not necessarily called to understand it all. We are called to believe, to follow, to lift a glass and receive the gift being offered.
The receiving gambit sounds like the easiest item on the list but that is not necessarily true. Beyond the confusion that I hear in the wine steward’s voice, I believe I hear a little consternation as well. It is not always easy when someone is “overly generous” to us. We have all had these uncomfortable moments. A colleague at work with whom we are not particularly close gives us a birthday gift well beyond the ten-dollar variety. The next-door neighbor we have never met shovels the snow off our entire driveway before we get home from work and we have never so much as said hello before. When my father was rushed to the hospital my mother’s neighbors dropped everything and were at her disposal twenty-four hours a day. She was thrilled for the help but felt guilty about their generosity. Receiving is not always an easy thing. Especially if we feel that what we are being given
reaches beyond the bounds of what our etiquette books tell us is expected. Sometimes we may even wish the generosity had never occurred because it leaves us feeling unsure of what we should do. It leaves us without a programmed response. Surely thank you is not enough.
In our human interactions we often try and overcome any awkwardness we may feel by attempting to return the favor as it were. My mother took her neighbors out for a lovely dinner to thank them for their kindness. But how do we return the favor to God? When God is improbably and absurdly generous to us what do we give of equal value in return?
Of course there is nothing we can do to return the favor. It is just too much, too many gallons of fine wine to be purchased even on the Amex Black Card. Too much grace and love is poured into our cup for us to ever reciprocate in any equivocal fashion. There are several ways we can respond to this predicament of ours, permanently indebted to our God. One is to doubt the veracity of the gift. This must be Thunderbird we are drinking, no one would offer fine wine this late in the evening. This grace business cannot be true. God does not love me enough to truly forgive all of my limitations and imperfections. Another response is to ask when the caviar will be served; to wallow in the generosity as a birthright; to assume we are deserving of all God has to offer and more. Both of these responses come from a lack of understanding, and though the responses are inappropriate, the lack of understanding is entirely appropriate.
With all due respect to our well-honed systematic theologies, I am not sure we can ever grasp from where all the wine and grace are coming or why. What we can do is believe, believe in this one who took human form to be close enough to love us more deeply than we can love ourselves. The only etiquette that is appropriate for all of this is gratefulness. And in that spirit of gratitude, seek to reflect some small portion of grace on to those around us. Perhaps we too can be improbably and absurdly generous with one another, not in any effort to possibly repay what we have been given, but solely in grateful response.
Earlier this month I was in Selma, Alabama and had the opportunity to meet with two of the marchers in the Civil Rights efforts of the nineteen sixties. When they were just children, twelve and thirteen years old, they risked their lives to peacefully protest for justice for all of us. Their deep faith and gratitude for the grace Jesus Christ gave them, strengthened them to seek to reflect God’s loving grace to a world in desperate need of healing.
Their personal sacrifice was an improbable and absurdly generous act.
These days in which we find ourselves hardly feel like a wedding party. The immense devastation in California breaks our hearts, even from a great distance. So much loss. So much loss. Tomorrow’s inauguration should be a celebration of democracy for our entire country, as all inaugurations should be. But our current political climate makes that impossible. The levels of toxicity and mistrust in our culture make it impossible for us to stand together as a nation. Regardless who had won, we are not a nation currently capable of standing together. Whatever our political perspective, we know this is not how we should be living together. So how do we proceed in these very divided and tragedy-filled days?
Perhaps being improbably and absurdly generous with one another is the only way forward. Perhaps being improbably and absurdly generous with one another is the only appropriate behavior for those who have received so much. Perhaps being improbably and absurdly generous with one another is the path to following the one who turns water into wine.
In the end we are left with the first etiquette lesson most of us were ever taught. Say thank you, in whatever way you can, as often as you can. The medieval mystic, Meister Eckhart, wrote, “If the only prayer you ever utter in your entire life is thank you, it is enough.” May each of our lives and all of our actions be embodied prayers of thank you.
Thanks be to God. Amen.
Ladue Chapel Presbyterian Church
John 2:1-11
“A Lesson in Improper Etiquette”
Douglas T. King
No less an authority than The Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette as Revised and Expanded by Letitia Baldridge, provides one hundred and twenty seven pages
of instruction regarding weddings and their receptions. There are dozens of references of when, where, and how guests and members of the wedding party may engage in the consumption of beverages. For instance, we are reminded, “It is nice for friends to slip glasses of champagne to the attendants and the bride and groom, providing there is a table or window sill behind them to hide their glasses. No one is supposed to be seen drinking in the reception line, except an occasional sip. Guests are not supposed to go through the line either with a glass in their hands.” Unfortunately, there is no comment about how to appropriately handle the surprise arrival of an extra one hundred and eighty gallons of fine wine halfway through the festivities. I suppose one hundred and twenty-seven pages of wedding etiquette only lets you deal with the broadest of contingencies and contexts.
All gentle ribbing aside, etiquette does play a very important function in our life as social beings. When there is a shared etiquette in a social group, individuals have a guide as to what is appropriate behavior in a variety of situations. The creation of these shared expectations provides us with a comfort level in our interactions which serves to enhance our enjoyment. As dear Letitia puts it in her preface, “Having good manners
gives one a feeling of security in dealing with people.” And the book does try to provide one with a feeling of security in any and all contexts possible in this lifefrom “visiting a naval vessel,” to “business entertaining” or “an audience with the Pope.”
It sounds like a great deal. Keep the book in your hip pocket and you will never be confused about what to do or how to act in this world. On the other hand, this other book of ours, the Bible, leaves us in a different place. Some would like to suggest that the Bible functions as a book of etiquette, providing us with a clear set of guidelines for our lives in all times and all places. I, on the other hand, find that it functions to confound me
more than enlighten me on more occasions than I am comfortable admitting. I am right there with the chief steward trying to figure out from where the wine is coming and what the heck is going on. I believe the problem is that although books of etiquette offer advice on a vast array of social interaction with others, their list does not include interactions with the Other, God. God will not be adequately dealt with by a twenty percent tipping chart
or a firm handshake with each introduction. And this story does not help matters. Creating one hundred and eighty gallons of fine wine is a great party trick but as the first act of Jesus’ ministry in the gospel of John it is not the most straight forward approach. If he had fed the hungry or healed the sick or brilliantly opened-up the scriptures that all may grasp their wisdom, something like that might make a bit more sense to us. Extra wine at a party?
Perhaps the closing line of this text is telling. “His disciples believed in him.” At first glance a rather perfunctory comment. But what I do not read in that line is, they understood him. I do not read that they knew about the chaos that was to come as they journeyed with Jesus. The very next thing Jesus did was overturn the tables of the moneychangers in the temple.
Surely a miracle of healing or feeding could have brought on the same initial belief. Surely the wedding reception would have survived with a few less glasses of wine around the table. But this improbably, absurdly generous act does provide the disciples and us with insight into our God who is improbably and absurdly generous. We, like the disciples, are not necessarily called to understand it all. We are called to believe, to follow, to lift a glass and receive the gift being offered.
The receiving gambit sounds like the easiest item on the list but that is not necessarily true. Beyond the confusion that I hear in the wine steward’s voice, I believe I hear a little consternation as well. It is not always easy when someone is “overly generous” to us. We have all had these uncomfortable moments. A colleague at work with whom we are not particularly close gives us a birthday gift well beyond the ten-dollar variety. The next-door neighbor we have never met shovels the snow off our entire driveway before we get home from work and we have never so much as said hello before. When my father was rushed to the hospital my mother’s neighbors dropped everything and were at her disposal twenty-four hours a day. She was thrilled for the help but felt guilty about their generosity. Receiving is not always an easy thing. Especially if we feel that what we are being given
reaches beyond the bounds of what our etiquette books tell us is expected. Sometimes we may even wish the generosity had never occurred because it leaves us feeling unsure of what we should do. It leaves us without a programmed response. Surely thank you is not enough.
In our human interactions we often try and overcome any awkwardness we may feel by attempting to return the favor as it were. My mother took her neighbors out for a lovely dinner to thank them for their kindness. But how do we return the favor to God? When God is improbably and absurdly generous to us what do we give of equal value in return?
Of course there is nothing we can do to return the favor. It is just too much, too many gallons of fine wine to be purchased even on the Amex Black Card. Too much grace and love is poured into our cup for us to ever reciprocate in any equivocal fashion. There are several ways we can respond to this predicament of ours, permanently indebted to our God. One is to doubt the veracity of the gift. This must be Thunderbird we are drinking, no one would offer fine wine this late in the evening. This grace business cannot be true. God does not love me enough to truly forgive all of my limitations and imperfections. Another response is to ask when the caviar will be served; to wallow in the generosity as a birthright; to assume we are deserving of all God has to offer and more. Both of these responses come from a lack of understanding, and though the responses are inappropriate, the lack of understanding is entirely appropriate.
With all due respect to our well-honed systematic theologies, I am not sure we can ever grasp from where all the wine and grace are coming or why. What we can do is believe, believe in this one who took human form to be close enough to love us more deeply than we can love ourselves. The only etiquette that is appropriate for all of this is gratefulness. And in that spirit of gratitude, seek to reflect some small portion of grace on to those around us. Perhaps we too can be improbably and absurdly generous with one another, not in any effort to possibly repay what we have been given, but solely in grateful response.
Earlier this month I was in Selma, Alabama and had the opportunity to meet with two of the marchers in the Civil Rights efforts of the nineteen sixties. When they were just children, twelve and thirteen years old, they risked their lives to peacefully protest for justice for all of us. Their deep faith and gratitude for the grace Jesus Christ gave them, strengthened them to seek to reflect God’s loving grace to a world in desperate need of healing.
Their personal sacrifice was an improbable and absurdly generous act.
These days in which we find ourselves hardly feel like a wedding party. The immense devastation in California breaks our hearts, even from a great distance. So much loss. So much loss. Tomorrow’s inauguration should be a celebration of democracy for our entire country, as all inaugurations should be. But our current political climate makes that impossible. The levels of toxicity and mistrust in our culture make it impossible for us to stand together as a nation. Regardless who had won, we are not a nation currently capable of standing together. Whatever our political perspective, we know this is not how we should be living together. So how do we proceed in these very divided and tragedy-filled days?
Perhaps being improbably and absurdly generous with one another is the only way forward. Perhaps being improbably and absurdly generous with one another is the only appropriate behavior for those who have received so much. Perhaps being improbably and absurdly generous with one another is the path to following the one who turns water into wine.
In the end we are left with the first etiquette lesson most of us were ever taught. Say thank you, in whatever way you can, as often as you can. The medieval mystic, Meister Eckhart, wrote, “If the only prayer you ever utter in your entire life is thank you, it is enough.” May each of our lives and all of our actions be embodied prayers of thank you.
Thanks be to God. Amen.
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